Life - Servant of Chaos

ManWeek #3: Courage and Responsibility

There have been some great ManWeek posts. Julian Cole and Matt Hazel both wrote about bullying – each with different perspectives. Matt Moore looked at how men can be uncomfortable with their own sense of self and Benjamin Law shared his love of Mariah Carey. Stan Johnson told us about the way he disappointed his parents with his career choice (advertising) – and who can blame them 😉 And Craig Wilson skirted the question but still managed to provide some interesting thoughts on men and the media.

But it is Mark Pollard who calls us all out with a searingly honest post about some of the reasons why men find it so hard to talk about themselves:

Just to be clear, I don’t write about this stuff for sympathy or to put myself out there as this sensitive guy. I write about it hoping someone will relate to it – and not feel alone.

And, for me, this is where two aspects of manhood collide – courage and responsibility.

Now, I have always been “responsible”. Ever since I can remember I have been reliable – I cared for my younger brother and sister, I looked out for my cousins when they came to my tough high school (who am I kidding – they were bigger than me), I stayed sober and drove my friends home when they had too much to drink and I am always willing to share my time, experience and thinking with friends.

But I haven’t always been courageous.

If I am honest, this overarching sense of responsibility created an inner vortex of intensity that would very rarely erupt. I used to fantasize about what might happen should this personal fury ever slip past the guardians of my iron will.

Now, I have never been an imposing figure, physically. I was so short when I started high school that I had to jump to pull the chord in the bus that signalled the driver to stop. And while I loved team sport, I soon learned that size mattered on the field – and even the most enthusiastic player gets tired of being thrown around like a rag doll. My great asset was my quick wit, smart mouth and an ability to sail close to the wind – to walk a fine line between being funny and being offensive. But this always meant keeping control.

Now, this didn’t mean that I escaped being bullied. Far from it. But one of the things that I learned is that violence escalates when words fail. Mark Pollard calls this “Testosterone and the Neanderthal”. But violence doesn’t have to be physical. No matter whether you back a person into a corner by words or physicality, if there is no escape then there can only be violence.

The moments of my greatest shame have occurred when I did not have the courage NOT to speak – where I fell back upon my inner fury and directed it outward. But there are no “winners” when it comes to violence – and there is no pleasure that comes from belittling another and certainly no glory. It is, however, EASIER. It is easier to be cruel and cutting – to appear in control – but it is much harder (for men, though I have no doubt also for women) to be generous, inclusive, forgiving.

I constantly strive to live my life generously – and it is a struggle. It is easier not to witness the small injustices of daily life than to courageously respond to them with humanity and with care. It’s easier to state your opinion than to ask where you can help or how you can serve. And it’s easier to claim mastery than to be respected. But for me, this is what it is all about.

Tagging update: Let's take it out of the comments and see what Gordon Whitehead, Stephen Collins and Alan Jones have to say on the topic of ManWeek.

ManWeek #2: A Little Fluffy

Good Works, Life

The ManWeek coverage continue today with bold discussions of sexuality, gender and its link with our sense of manhood. The producer of Triple J’s Hack kicked off the forum discussion with some interesting thought starters plucked from the show:

"People that r presumptuous about your sexuality r idiots & suk like alfa males!"

"Physicaly i might be classified as an alpha male 6 foot 4 fit and play soccer but i play video games, have never had a girl friend dont drink and don’t get involvet in fisty cuffs. I’m cool with who I am even if people think i’m a nerd."

"Im a 21 yr old diesel fitter in a straigh relationship. My best friend is a girl. Y shuld i feel unmanly because of that?"

"I’ve had a few boyfriends that most people think are gay. Softer more emotional guys make way better boyfriends than alpha males! Jo"

Throughout my teens and well into my 20s I would find myself often being invited out by gay men. Sometimes it could be embarrassing, but most of the time it made me smile – especially when the approach was inventive. I don’t really know what the source of this attraction was … perhaps it was the pony tail. Or my soft, sexy voice. Or the fact I studied drama. Maybe I just looked a little fluffy.

But while this attention didn’t bother me – close friends found it confronting. Some later admitted that they were gay but had not yet become comfortable with their sexuality. Others felt that gay sexuality was being flaunted in their faces. And while there is an intensity in all this – I also found there was an easy pleasure in the company of men – whether gay or straight. And it was by looking beyond the issues of sexuality that I found the bonds of friendship.

And you know what? One of the best nights of my life was at a school disco where I dressed up as Boy George (hey, it was the 80s). I never had so many girls dance with me … ever.

And speaking of the 80s … Gavin Costello has written a great ManWeek post on growing up in the 80s; while Matt Moore talks about becoming a father.

Tagging update: And now I’d love to hear a ManWeek tale from Stan Johnson, Jye Smith and Tim Longhurst.

Balls and Bravado

Good Works, Life

The body in motion is not without pain.

Arms gasping.

Eyeballs askew

At the end of my sinews

Blood bleaches like fingernails.

The dead protein of my love for you

splices thoughts, memories

Lips in the wind.

And all around me, the loving audience

bleating my name

Calling, calling

For the same loss that engulfs

Every whispered word.

—–

The transition into adulthood is fraught with emotion and unbound intensities. It is a time of testing – we pit ourselves against the world, against each other and we emerge scarred, occasionally beautiful and sometimes damaged. But what shape do our scars take and what is their legacy? What of those who do not successfully shed their battle worn skins?

Unfortunately, many young men don’t make the transition in one piece. The complications of life, unexpected responsibilities, depression and anxiety can all play a part – where we increasingly find ourselves isolated, set apart, on the edge.

I wrote this poem many years ago. And while it seems as though I am listening to forgotten whispers, the emotional impact still claws my chest. Poetry was an outlet for me. It was a connection with an unimagined audience.

But every poem brought me closer to someone. I would be “caught” writing. I would ask friends for advice on the poems, or ideas on their construction – all the while realising it was a thinly disguised call for help.

These days, young men continue to find themselves in situations which feel insurmountable – resulting in higher than average rates of drug and alcohol dependence. Furthermore, rates of suicide are through the roof and young men are three times more likely to develop schizophrenia than young women.

But thanks to sites like ReachOut, you no longer need to suffer in silence (or resort to poetry). This week, the ManWeek campaign kicks off – and you can tune in to Triple J to listen to the experiences of young men across the country – from the Alpha Male to the Mummy’s Boy and everywhere in-between, ManWeek will show that your story is just as valid – and just as common – as other young men who are trying to find ways of dealing with life.

Let’s face it, it doesn’t just take balls and bravado to be a man these days. Sometimes it means coming to grips with your family, acknowledging that your Dad isn’t a rolling stone, and that dysfunction can be just as beautiful as any other way of life. The important part is to begin reaching out – communicating and sharing how you feel. It’s not easy. But it’s not as hard as you might think (and you can always leave a comment here). You can also share your experiences at the ReachOut blog or on the forum (yeah you need to register).

If you happen to be awake early, you can tune in for the Triple J Breakfast show; and if you have a Twitter account you can join in with the hash tag #manweek. Talk to me, I am @servantofchaos.

Tagging update: Every man must have a story – but what is yours? I am particularly interested in hearing the tales of Zac Martin, Craig Wilson and Frank Sting.

Dear Rob, This is For You

Life

I am usually pretty conscious about internet security. But sometimes my brother will drop around. Or a friend. And they will need to check their email. So rather than going through the rigmarole of setting up new MAC addresses etc, I often just throw open the wireless port on my router. Of course, this means that anyone can access my internet connection …

So one day a few weeks after my brother visits, I can see that there is a light on my modem flashing. I was drawn to it in a strange way. I think it was because it wasn’t just flashing in a lazy, surfing the web kind of way. It was throbbing.

I knew that my computers were switched off so I immediately thought this was strange – and then somewhere deep inside my brain, a small voice said “open wireless, you idiot”. A minute or two later and sure enough – a list of the DHCP clients on my network showed “Rob” logged on.

Now, I don’t know about you, but the idea of having someone sucking up my bandwidth (at an obviously alarming rate) is annoying. And beyond that, it’s rude. So if you are like me, and you feel that a small amount of retribution is required, then take a look at this excellent how-to guide. It explains, easily, how to setup your router so that the undesirables end up with an undesirable result. And believe you me, it wasn’t “all kittens” that “Rob” was seeing. And I daresay he spent some time “explaining” his web surfing habits to his wife.

Ten Questions to Mark 3000

Guest Bloggers, Life

Some time ago I made a deal with myself – that when my blog hit the 3000 comment mark, I would ask the person who contributed comment 3000 to write a blog post. That “lucky person” was Angus.

But rather than do a guest post, Angus suggested that we play battleships and chat. But between client meetings, late nights and general busy-ness, we have not been able to get together - so the next best thing – this list of questions was sent through. And I am only just now getting around to posting it – sorry Angus! But somehow, I have ended up writing my own guest post (note to self: find other guest bloggers):

1. What have you learned about people from communicating with them on Twitter?

People share surprisingly intimate details of their lives via Twitter. I don’t know whether this is a genuine desire to connect, a symptom of our culture of self-performance or a confession – but it is definitely fascinating. As a result, I have learned that people are far more generous and more open online than they often allow themselves to be in “real life”.

2. Why do people try and tell me how to use twitter? No-one told me how to use Facebook – I could decide to have as many or as few friends as I wanted and share whatever information I wanted. Why do people seem to think you should use twitter 'their' way?

I think there are two aspects to this. First, there are people who think they might make some money from providing advice or consultancy (or just drive traffic to their website). Second, it is human nature – we become so caught up in our own lives and interests that we think everyone should think the way we do. This also happens with new babies and with holiday snaps.

3. Do you think 'ambient intimacy' could breed laziness or complacency, or is it enriching relationships?

I think we are already experience laziness in our relationships anyway. We can blame our work schedules or our commitments or a million other things, but this trend towards personal isolation has been happening since the 50s. Like any relationship we only get out what we put in and online relationships are no different to offline relationships.

4. Do you think online relationships have made us more or less tolerant offline?

Because online relationships are traceable (ie you can’t hide), I think this is driving some change in our tolerance levels. If we are horrible to work with, but “nice” online, it eventually catches up with us (and vice versa). Thanks to Google our reputation precedes us.

5. Do you think the nature of online conversation is ever different in Australia to other parts of the world and why?

People from different cultures experience online identity and conversation in different ways. Australians, for example, participate in ways which are different from Americans, which is different from folks from India, China or Germany. This is not really unexpected – we would scarcely arrive in another country and expect it to be the same as home (why else after all would we travel?).

6. Name three people who inspire you at the moment.

I have been very fortunate over the last year to fall into a circle of friends who inspire me with their generosity and the simple way that they care for each other. Jye Smith, Julian Cole and Scott Drummond make me optimistic for the future.

7. What gets your goat the most at the moment?

People who tell others how to use Twitter.

8. What's the biggest benefit of storytelling in your view?

A good story connects us with the emotion of life. Or as Kafka wrote, it is “the axe for the frozen sea inside us”. When hit with the axe, all pretence falls away. We cannot hide. I love that.

9. Does Twitter help or hinder with storytelling?

Having access to pens and paper doesn’t make us a great writer – so too with Twitter. In the hands of a great storyteller, Twitter can be a marvel.

10. When are you going to visit Marcus in Germany and will you help him steal Armano's cowboy hat?

I was hoping to have visited Marcus by now. I really expected to visit Germany for work last year – but it never happened. And while I don’t mind travelling for work, I also feel guilty about having a carbon footprint the size of a small European country. We may need to maintain our ambient intimacy for the foreseeable future.

As to Dave’s hat, I believe it is under constant security. But given the chance, I will snaffle it!

Our Lives in Public

Film, FutureVisions, Life, Pop Culture, Videos

The most pervasive aspect of living in an online, socially connected world is not identity –- but the traces of our identity that we leave with every click of the mouse. For every time we visit a website, download a PDF, leave a comment, buy a song or write a blog post, we leave something of ourselves behind.

In the 1960s, Jacques Derrida described a trace as the “mark of the absence of a presence” – which is precisely what happens to our digital “selves”. We are socially connected, operate in a sense-and-respond mode, exercise social judgement and all the while, leave our presence in places where “we” no longer exist. For all intents and purposes, the social web is Deconstruction made manifest.

I touched on this idea in The Evanescence of Social Media, but it also permeates much of my thinking here around social media, branding and identity. For whether we realise it or not, we increasingly live our lives in public –- over-exposed, unwittingly open, unknowingly tagged, tracked and accounted for -– our fragmented digital identities playing out a larger, uncontrolled version of our selves in a digital Pythagorean twist. You see, in the same way that social media demonstrates that businesses no longer have control over their BRANDS – it also shows that WE no longer have control over our own representations.

Take for instance, the recent examples where people have lost their jobs, been disciplined or otherwise penalised for their actions on social networking sites. As Drew McLellan points out in Who Really Owns Your Social Media Persona?:

One of the uncomfortable truths that social media is hoisting upon us is that the clear separation between our personal and professional lives that most of our parents enjoyed during their careers is now nothing more than an illusion

The problem is not so much that WE inhabit these online networks, but that our traces can be interpreted out of context -– taking on newer realities, being reconstituted and recombined in ways that we did not anticipate. But this also has benefits, even if the risks may be random and powerful. For one thing, it allows for ambient intimacy (a term coined by Leisa Reichelt) – where the reader of a blog post, a Twitter message, Facebook update (or viewer of a Flickr photo or YouTube video) etc interprets this communication as a real-time, in the moment emotional connection. This fosters a sense of knowing and understanding in the reader -– creating the bonds of relationship:

Ambient intimacy is about being able to keep in touch with people with a level of regularity and intimacy that you wouldn’t usually have access to, because time and space conspire to make it impossible. Flickr lets me see what friends are eating for lunch, how they’ve redecorated their bedroom, their latest haircut. Twitter tells me when they’re hungry, what technology is currently frustrating them, who they’re having drinks with tonight.

And while this can be seen as “too much information”, for others it can provide a real window into the lives of those that we care about. The big difference of course, is that this ambient relationship is completely opt-in –- it is information that is pulled, not pushed. If we choose to, we can “unsubscribe” from our friends’ updates with the click of a mouse.

So, does this mean that online friends aren’t really friends? This has been (at least) partly blurred by Facebook’s appropriation of the term Friend as a form of membership status – but in an effort to bring some consistency of thinking around this, Mike Arauz has developed the spectrum of online friendship. This spectrum feels quite linear but it does capture the essence of the progressive nature of online interactions and relationships.

However, the traces of our identities left behind by various cultural productions (whether writing, image or video based) add a level of complexity. What this means is that you may find someone moving from passive interest to active interest by reading and interacting with content that you produced two or three years ago. “You” may no longer BE the same person that you were in 2006 -– and yet, the immediacy of your cultural artefacts continue to tell the story of “your self” as though it was hermetically sealed and protected from the ravages of time.

The consequence of this could well be the impetus to constantly pro-create ourselves in the instant by updating our status, sharing our thoughts and ideas and advocating for our communities. So paradoxically, tools such as Twitter which were developed as a way of handling the speed of life, contribute to the sense of acceleration. It may well be that we are barrelling head-long into a future where the very nature (and rules) of friendship requires revision. We may well end up in a world that looks

It may well be that this life of delays, rewrites and echoes is closer to the dystopia shown in Josh Harris’ movie, We Live in Public. As Faris Yakob points out, while disconcerting, this vision of the future has become reality – at least for some parts of ourselves.

UPDATE: In an almost textbook illustration, John Johnston points out this post by Nicholas Carr from March 2007. I would have commented on it, but his blog no longer takes comments.

Why the Story IS The Most Important Thing

Life, Storytelling

I am often asked what it is about storytelling that is important. After all, we have visual thinking, we have design, we have movies, great advertising … we have gadgets and cars and the fluff of life that surrounds us.

Often I find the best, and simplest way of explaining the importance of storytelling is to direct people to great stories. So I link to websites or recommend books. And today, I point here.

Take a few moments to look through the stunning Days with My Father website. Turn off your iPod. Give the story your respect. And remember the story is important because it proves there is a link between our own life and the lives of those we love. It changes the nature of the way we see the world and the way we choose to live within it. And if we are lucky, and brave, it can sometimes change our future.

Via Heather Snodgrass.